Halfway to Motherhood

I'm 19 weeks pregnant! I can't believe how much I love this kid already. Today as I was eating lunch, my little one kicked constantly, as if to say, "mmmm  I love this stuff, keep eating mama!" Who knew that Beef O' Roni would be such a big hit?

Last weekend I went shopping with my mom and aunt. I ended up buying a bassinet for my little one. I brought it home and set it up by my side of the bed. I check it every morning just in case I might find a baby in there. Hey, you never know!

I'm feeling very connected to my parents lately. I guess I understand them a little better now that I'm becoming one myself. I've gotten to the point where I really love spending time with them and hearing their advice. As I get older (and hopefully wiser) I'm seeing that I have made some huge mistakes in my life. I wish my baby could have a perfect mom, but I'm so far from it. I know one day this kid is going to figure that out, and it's terrifying. What if (s)he loses respect for me... or worse, what if (s)he loses love for me?

All I know is, there is no possible way that I can do this on my own. So God, if you're reading, please help!

Letter to My Love

Sweet Honey,
You were the first one to take up residency in my place. I told my parents all about you and showed your picture to my friends. Everyone thought you were great. I still do, but I haven't seen you in weeks. I have trouble sleeping now and my appetite has left me. I guess that's why I've been so emotional lately.

I remain totally committed to you, to this. Constantly, I find myself worrying about you. I wonder if you are okay, if you've had enough time to figure yourself out yet.

I'll see you again in a few weeks, when the proper amount of time has passed. I know you'll be a completely different person by then, and I can't wait to re-meet you. I love you, baby. I always will.

Until the Next Ultrasound,
Mom


Yep, I'm pregnant! I'm so excited about this baby! Please keep us in your prayers.

A New Friend In the Kingdom

Brandon and I had the pleasure of meeting a guy named Hayward, on Thursday. He will be a new student at Western this year. His family lives in Florida, and they brought him to Cullowhee on June 16th so he could attend orientation. I got to meet his mom and younger brother. They are a great family who loves God more than I can express. They walk by faith and not by sight as you'll see in the next few paragraphs. His mom thought she could let him stay until his summer classes start on July 5th. Hayward had been contacted by a football coach and told to come to Western and be a walk-on (meaning he would try out for the team). When Hayward arrived he called the coach who now says that the team is full and he is out of luck, to go back to Florida. Hayward and his mother agreed that he should stay in Cullowhee to try and meet the coaches and somehow find a way onto this team. Hayward has been called to be a professional athlete by God, and he believes that with faith and obedience, God will make a place for him on the team. 

WCU legally cannot house anyone who is not taking classes, training as an athlete with the permission of the coach, or working on-campus, so Hayward's mom found a hotel for him to stay in and bought him some snacks from the dollar store. The hotel he was staying at is cheap in every since of the word (extremely sketchy) and around 2 miles from campus. For 6 days he walked around our campus praying to God and on the 7th day he ran into my boss, Bryant. Bryant recognized him from orientation and remembered that he needed a place to stay. After hearing Hayward's story, he gave him a room in our on-campus hotel. Having no connections in NC and no vehicle, Hayword asked me if I knew of anyone who might help him move his stuff onto campus. I called Brandon, knowing that he wouldn't answer since he would be at work. Oddly enough, he answered. I told him that I had a student in a strange situation who needed help moving onto campus, but I couldn't go into too much detail. Right before I called, Brandon's boss had asked him to go home early so they could save on payroll. I know that was the Lord's timing. He came straight over to meet Hayword and help. When Brandon was done he said, "That kid is really on fire for the Lord!" 

We found out later that same day that Hayward will not have a meal plan until his classes start on July 5th. So we invited him out to dinner. At dinner he told us his testimony and asked about ours. It was such a great time of fellowship and I could recognize the Lord's presence in him. His family had been homeless a few years ago, he had been stabbed and almost lost his life. The pieces were really adding up now. His love for God runs deep because he lived in a hopeless situation and God still provided for him, his mom, and brother. His faith had been tested and he came out stronger than ever. He told us about his past seven days. How his food was running out and that he had been living off of a few pretzels, but he was still praising God for those couple of pretzels he had left, knowing that God would replenish his food when he needed it. As he was telling us this, he had no idea that Brandon and I had already made plans to take him grocery shopping after dinner. He was so excited, not by the promise of food, but by the power of God's hand in his life! We had our grocery list with us and just told him to grab whatever he wanted and put it in the cart. How cool is it that our grocery bill was actually ten dollars cheaper than what we normally spend on ourselves (this bill included our week's worth of groceries and his week's worth too). 

We invited Hayward to our home for dinner on Saturday night, and when we went to pick him up Brandon said, "Hayword, do you have any clothes that need washing?" I was so impressed with Brandon's attentiveness, as I hadn't even thought about this. Hayward didn't have any money for laundry and it had been building up. He was waiting on his aunt to send him a few dollars so he could do laundry. Brandon told him to bring it over and he was able to do all of his laundry at our place. During dinner Brandon said, "Hayward, do you have school supplies? We have some extras and we aren't in school anymore." Hayward had zero school supplies. Can you tell that God provides for this kid? He really does!

Hayward is actively looking for a student-worker position and has sent his football film (footage of his best plays) directly to the head coach. Today he went to church with us and got to meet all of our friends. He fits in just like family.

I just had to share his story with all of you. And I'm praising God right along with him for everything He has brought Hayward through. 

"We lost everything..."

Last week a horrible storm came through our little town. Many people had property damage caused by fallen trees and limbs. The power was out for days. I called my mom to talk about it and when she asked if we were able to salvage our cold food I replied with, "We lost everything." I was referring to all the frozen chicken and beef, the milk, eggs, yogurt, and breakfast meats, all the sandwich meat, and the cheeses too.

Yesterday we took Brandon's parents out to lunch in honor of Father's Day. While we were waiting for out party to be escorted to a table, a woman approached Brandon and asked if he had a dollar he could give to her. We had no cash and apologized, but moved on pretty quickly and she turned to ask another. I recognized her as one of the homeless women in the area. I watched as she asked each family for some money. She looked so young, so capable. Why was she living on the streets? She must be around my age. Why would she accept begging as a lifestyle? As we ate lunch I couldn't help but think about how I should have invited her to join us. To ask her about herself. To pray over her. I did none of these things.

I remembered back to what I had told Mom earlier that week, "We lost everything." We lost so little in comparison to this young woman. She had obviously come from a decent home, as her hair still had beautiful braiding and dye. She had manners and seemed educated. What did she lose to get here? I don't know what the answer is to that... but I'll bet it really was everything she had. Yesterday I neglected the hungry, and I am ashamed of myself for it. I hope I get the chance to help her again one day. Believe me, next time I will.

As We Find Our Way

For months we've been begging for some guidance, or maybe a sign from above. Our lease is coming to an end in about five weeks and with no idea where God is calling us to go, I've felt stranded and hopeless. Where will we live? Will we be able to find two decent jobs? How are we going to move our stuff?

Brandon and I had put in dozens of job applications all across the state, but it seemed as if our efforts were not paying off. And then yesterday, he got an email. It was from Cook Out's corporate office. They had seen his resume and wanted to talk to him about a management position. He hadn't even applied, and they were seeking him out. He will be contacting the company this week, and he is very interested in the position. He looked at the salary that Cook Out typically pays store managers and it seems incredibly generous. It is four times our current combined income. We could pay off our student loans and save around 20% for a down-payment on our home within a two year span. And this projection doesn't include how much I will be making. I'm finally filling good about this move. Even if this job doesn't pan out for Brandon, I feel like we can handle this now.

A few weeks ago my mom mentioned that I was graduating with a business degree. She was speaking to  her supervisor, who then informed her that they have openings in another office and if I could send her my resume, being the daughter of a very respected employee like my mom would pretty much get me the job. Ironically, the position with Cook Out and the position with my mom's company are only thirty minutes apart. Today I'm praising the Lord for providing us with a destination. I'm going to apply for the position with my mom's company, and we've already looked online at some apartments which are surprisingly affordable and in safe neighborhoods. It's so wonderful to have a direction. And I have to say, I never saw myself living in Greensboro, but now that it's on the table, I love the idea of being close to both families (mine and Brandon's).

Psalm 31:3
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me

A Love That Surpasses Knowledge

Yesterday I went to a last minute baby shower. The mother, Megan, got pregnant out of wedlock. Both she and the baby's father, John, are teens. They got married a few months ago and today they have a two-week old. I'll admit that their situation is not ideal. John's mother attended the shower, but it was obvious that she was not there to support her son and his new wife. It seemed that we were honored with her presence for two reasons. The first, so that she could see her grandson, since it seems she isn't invited to do so on a regular basis. The second, to get credit with the church for attending. At the beginning of the shower when someone volunteered to hold the newborn as Megan prepared her own plate, the grandmother quickly announced that she would take the baby, "I'm the grandmother after all." I could tell that this made Megan particularly uncomfortable, but she allowed her mother-in-law to snatch the little boy from her arms. They didn't speak to each other at all, and even though it's customary for families to be seated close to one another, the grandmother sat on the other side of the room, making critical remarks on how this child (her daughter-in-law) hadn't even attended enough baby showers to know that she should pass her opened gifts around for the guests to ooh and aww over.

I can't help but wonder how this shower could have gone if Megan and John had been married at the time of conception, or if the grandmother was capable of forgiving this ten month grudge. What if they had worked things out before the baby arrived? Their relationship would be so much better. Now the family is separated by hurt. Megan is seen as a worthless by John's mother, and she is seen as judgmental and cruel by Megan. After seeing this interaction, I realized that even something as innocent and sweet and refreshing as a baby could not save their tattered relationship. What if, even in a situation this close to home, they could love like Christ? His love is redeeming, not condemning.

Ephesians 2:17-19
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

It even surpasses the knowledge of our sins.

An Unexpected Saturday

Brandon told me on Friday that he would have Saturday off of work. I was so excited because for once we didn't have plans or obligations. We could spend our Saturday in whatever way we wanted! It was perfectly unexpected.

We slept in, but only until around 9am, so it was still early enough to enjoy the coolness of the morning. I remembered how Brandon mentioned a few weeks ago that he wanted us to go running together, so I asked him to come to campus with me and do a few laps. We ended up walking most of it, but it was a beautiful morning and it was so nice to take a stroll and catch up. It's funny that we have to make time to catch up when we live together, but that's how it works when you start working full time.

After our walk Brandon surprised me. He lead me to our car and opened the trunk. He had brought along a book we've been reading together and our new hammock (which we've both been dying to try out). We strung it up by the river and enjoyed the breeze.

We both started getting hungry around eleven, it must have been that strenuous run we took ; )
So we headed for the apartment to make some lunch. Afterwards we decided to shampoo the carpet in our new used-car. We cleaned for several hours and felt pretty pleased with ourselves. We decided that our great efforts had earned a trip to the movies and a dinner date. We went to the matinee and enjoyed Pirates of the Caribbean over a large Dr. Pepper.

It seemed too early to have dinner so Brandon suggested that we head to Dillsboro, the next town over, and walk around. It ended up being pretty cool because the town was putting on some sort of collaborated event. All of the shops were open and there was live music and free samples of some really great food. We found a new kitchen store that we had never noticed before. After that we went to dinner and then called it a night.

It might sound dorky, but this was the highlight of my week! We didn't do anything spectacular or go anywhere romantic, but we didn't need to in order to have a great time. I love spending time with this guy, no matter where we are or what we're doing. He rocks, and I adore him.

Yep, that's my man!

My first job as a graduate!

I graduated from college a few days ago. Its been a long road, but I'm glad I took it. My boss offered me a position with our company as a temporary employee (until our lease expires and we move closer to family). I have never known our company to transition a student worker into a temporary before, and I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. I found out today that my new job title is "Receptionist for the Department of Residential Living at WCU." My duties have not changed at all, as I was already performing these tasks in order to maintain good customer relations. My supervisor also explained that I would not be able to maintain my previous pay grade. I assumed it was due to the raise I got last year (a quarter more an hour) and that I would be returning to minimum wage. She explained that I would now be making somewhere between $3-4 more. Is it professional to turn bright red and yell "OH MY GOODNESS!" in the workplace? Either way, I did it! She knows my situation well, so she laughed and said she was glad it didn't hurt my feelings too bad.

I asked God to provide a boat so I could get across the tossing sea. He said no, and then parted the waters. I marvel at the work of His hand as I walk past walls of ocean with feet on dry land...

The Lord who Heals

My neck started hurting around nine months ago. At first I just thought it was a pulled muscle, but it never recovered. It seemed like such a small thing to go to the doctor about, so I didn't. In spite of taking it easy, my neck hurt more and more. In the past few weeks it has gotten to the point where I cannot lay down and then sit up without cradling the back of my neck with my hands. It felt so weak, like a twig that would snap in half if any weight was applied. I have become so frustrated with the way this injury inhibits my everyday activities. Even leaning into the washing machine to retrieve laundry has been agonizing. But today, everything changed.

Until now I've never known the Lord as Great Physician. That was just a name without any personal meaning to me. This morning my neck popped and I was healed. I wish I could tell you that I had faithfully prayed for this miraculous relief, but I didn't. The truth is, I settled with the pain. The weird part is that my neck pops several times a day, but on this particular morning, I knew the Lord's hand was on me. I can't explain it, I just knew without even testing it, that I had been healed. I thanked God for this blessing and went about my day performing normal activities that were once difficult, with such ease. What a relief it is to bend over and pack my book bag without any ache, or read my text book without any strain.

Exodus 15:26
"...For I am the Lord who heals you."


Jeremiah 17:14
"Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise."

When I wish upon a star, this is what I wish for.

Today I caught a beautiful glance of what life will be like when I can be more of a wife, and not a full time student. I finished up my Law class last week so for the next month I only have seven classes (which is two more courses than the average student's load). I actually had free time tonight, so guess what we did! We sat around in pajamas and played video games and it was great! I had no homework hanging over my head, for the first time in months. We had no plans with other couples or church activities, it was just "us time." I love spending time with Brandon. I really miss out on this when I'm buried under projects and studying. It's having a heavy influence on my plans for grad school. Do I really want another two years of our marriage to be treated with such neglect? Absolutely not. He deserves so much more from me. So as far as I am concerned, my decision is made. Besides, what value does another diploma hold when prospective employers already believe me to be overqualified. No more school after this degree, give me family.

"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it."
-- George Moore (Irish Novelist)

A Misconception

Your mother never knew you, but you knew her. You heard her laugh, you felt her joy, and she had big plans for you. She wanted to keep you healthy, she wanted to keep you safe. She wrapped her arms around you as you rested in your place. You were so small, but your mother felt you move. You were quiet, but you were there, and your mother knew. You were her first, you changed her life, just the thought of you.

She ate right, she worked out, she read books to you, and sang songs. Hadn't she followed the rules to the letter? She blames herself, she cries out to God with all that is left inside her. Hadn't she prayed over you? Waiting so patiently for your conception? And waiting again for your arrival... but not like this.

She'll never know why seven weeks after your creation, your existence simply stopped. She had heard your heart beat three days earlier. She had shared your first picture with the other mothers.

She was one of them when you were here. She belonged. You determined a new identity for her, one that cannot be reversed. After you slipped away she felt displaced. She is your mother and you are her child, in life and in the other. Your mother knew you, how could she not? You didn't exist to the rest of the world, but you did to her. She wept as she returned it all: the bottles, the diapers, the blanket. You carved an emptiness into her heart, that only you could fill.

It's been three years, but she'll never forget the early birthday that took you. Today she is waiting, not for you, but for another. The very God that fashioned you has given her a second child, your brother or sister, your friend. I prayerfully watch over them.

© 2011 Bailey Moore

Sure I'm Insured...

For the past month, Brandon and I have not been as careful as usual. According to him we aren't trying to have a baby, but we aren't not trying... of that I am certain. He suggested that we begin looking at the cost for maternity insurance. Right now I have student insurance through school, but it covers bare minimum, and does nothing for the pregnant student. Also, my insurance policy will expire when I graduate in less than two months. According to Blue Cross and Blue Shield, the process of having a baby (doctor appointments, ultrasounds, prenatal care, and delivery) costs an average of $20,000. With insurance, it costs an average of $6,000. So we can't afford not to have coverage in the event that we are blessed with a child. Unfortunately this peace of mind will cost around $300 a month. I don't see how we can spare that much every month. I worry that we'll get the insurance and then lose it by missing a payment. I worry that if we don't get insurance, I won't have access to the kind of care the baby and I need during the pregnancy. What if we get the insurance and spend all of this money to find out ten years down the road that I am barren and that we wasted our hard earned money and missed out on other opportunities because of my foolish insistence on maintaining a healthcare plan that I never needed?

God I have to place this all in your hands. I have no faith in myself or my own methods of planning, but I trust you with this most precious of events. God provide for my baby all things needed. Let your face shine on the arrival of this little one. God please protect my child from any harm that might be caused from the things I cannot afford. A verse just came to my mind.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5

I trust you Father, and you will make my paths straight. I know that you always keep your word and you never falter on a promise. I don't know when I will be pregnant, but I believe that it will happen soon, and that you will care for my family more than I ever could. God, I believe your word and know it to be true.

Once Upon a Friendship...

Back in high school, I had a best friend named Carla. She was two years older than me. I think we were so close because we both came from broken families and could relate to each other's pain. It wasn't the healthiest basis for a friendship, but we really loved each other. After she left for college I didn't hear from her for a long time. I thought she'd forgotten about me. We spent time together over her winter break, but then when she went back to school I became invisible again. It made me feel horrible, but I never told her. She knew me so well, couldn't she see how she was hurting me? I guess she couldn't.

By the time I left for college it had been years since we'd seen one another. We both found other friends and had our own lives, our own separate lives. I met someone, fell in love and got engaged. I thought about Carla every once in a while and looked at her facebook page. She seemed so happy in her life without me. I was doing fine without her. When it came time to send out wedding invitations I kept the one I intended to send her. I was afraid she wouldn't come. I didn't want to be rejected again. It was a decision I would come to regret.

A few months after the wedding I got a message from Carla. It was short and direct: "Pretty sad I never got an invite." I realized that I had hurt her in the same way that she had hurt me. She had seen our wedding pictures, the ones with us celebrating with our new friends from college. Now she was feeling rejected, replaced. How could I have done this to her? It was so thoughtless of me.

Today I asked her to forgive me. I don't know if she is capable of that yet. I don't think I would be. I just hope that my past actions have not lead her to question her worth. Her friendship was the most precious thing I've ever known. She will always be dear to me.

Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot

Today I began re-reading one of my favorite books by Elisabeth Elliot. It's a book that she wrote to her daughter right after her now son-in-law asked permission for her daughter's hand in marriage. One quote that caught my eye is this:

         "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."

Elisabeth was made a widow, and a single mother at a very young age. Before she married, mission-work separated her from her love for five years, and the quote above is something her husband wrote to her during that period of time. She saw it as a challenge to "thank God for what he had given, not allowing the not-given to spoil it."

Right now I feel as if I am in a waiting room. I'm waiting to graduate from college, waiting to start a career, waiting to have a child. Why do I put my head and my heart's focus on tomorrow when today is spectacular. A time will come when I remember this snapshot of our lives, and I'll yearn to go back. This instance may seem hectic to the present me, but the future me will have her hands full. I know I'll reflect on these days as peaceful ones.

I'm afraid I've been missing the very point of living. I wonder how I can begin to fully appreciate what God has given me today, without considering tomorrow.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Sweet Child of Mine,

I keep dreaming about you. And you're all I can think about these days...

I have always wanted to be someone's mommy. And last week, I thought my time had finally come. I was late... I mean really late. I started hoping and praying so much that I would be pregnant. I don't think I've ever wanted something so desperately before in my life (except maybe my husband on our wedding night) ! I started reading this book called What to Expect When You're Expecting... and I was sure I had nearly all the tale-tale signs of being with-child. I guess I let my hopes cloud my vision a bit, because I took a home pregnancy test on Valentine's Day and the results broke my heart. 

My husband wants children too... and I know he'll be a terrific dad. It's just hard to keep on going after these past few failed attempts. I get these thoughts that maybe I can't conceive, thats its my fault. I worry that I'm failing Brandon as a wife. I know it takes most people around 6 months to get pregnant, but this last false alarm just seemed so real. 

I know I'll be a mom one day, and I can hardly wait. I'm trusting the Lord for his good and perfect timing (and praying that he'll see that my timing would be pretty cool too). It's tough being patient for this baby.... but baby, I know when you get here I'm gonna love you so much more than I love you now... which is crazy because the mere idea of you fills up my heart to overflowing. Come home soon, okay?

Meet the Wife

Hey, I'm Bailey. I married Brandon last August and this is my first blog.... ever! I wanted to start documenting our lives together, the challenging parts, the blessings, so that one day I can introduce my kids to the woman I was when I married their father. I wish I knew more about my mother's past because the past can be such a great predictor of the future. Mostly, I started this blog to inspire young wives that troubled times may come and go, but that their relationships (with their husbands and families) are the most important thing in life.

To date, I have been married for 6 months and hold a part time job while attending a university as a full time student. My husband graduated with two degrees last May and manages a small sub shop in town. We live in a very rural area. This is a university town and we are surrounded by twenty-somethings... its not all its cracked up to be. Brandon and I live in a studio apartment right behind the college and its getting so cramped. I know by the time our lease is up we will be more than ready for a bigger place... but for now, it works!

Well, it was great meeting you!