Today I caught a beautiful glance of what life will be like when I can be more of a wife, and not a full time student. I finished up my Law class last week so for the next month I only have seven classes (which is two more courses than the average student's load). I actually had free time tonight, so guess what we did! We sat around in pajamas and played video games and it was great! I had no homework hanging over my head, for the first time in months. We had no plans with other couples or church activities, it was just "us time." I love spending time with Brandon. I really miss out on this when I'm buried under projects and studying. It's having a heavy influence on my plans for grad school. Do I really want another two years of our marriage to be treated with such neglect? Absolutely not. He deserves so much more from me. So as far as I am concerned, my decision is made. Besides, what value does another diploma hold when prospective employers already believe me to be overqualified. No more school after this degree, give me family.
"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it."
-- George Moore (Irish Novelist)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
A Misconception
Your mother never knew you, but you knew her. You heard her laugh, you felt her joy, and she had big plans for you. She wanted to keep you healthy, she wanted to keep you safe. She wrapped her arms around you as you rested in your place. You were so small, but your mother felt you move. You were quiet, but you were there, and your mother knew. You were her first, you changed her life, just the thought of you.
She ate right, she worked out, she read books to you, and sang songs. Hadn't she followed the rules to the letter? She blames herself, she cries out to God with all that is left inside her. Hadn't she prayed over you? Waiting so patiently for your conception? And waiting again for your arrival... but not like this.
She'll never know why seven weeks after your creation, your existence simply stopped. She had heard your heart beat three days earlier. She had shared your first picture with the other mothers.
She was one of them when you were here. She belonged. You determined a new identity for her, one that cannot be reversed. After you slipped away she felt displaced. She is your mother and you are her child, in life and in the other. Your mother knew you, how could she not? You didn't exist to the rest of the world, but you did to her. She wept as she returned it all: the bottles, the diapers, the blanket. You carved an emptiness into her heart, that only you could fill.
It's been three years, but she'll never forget the early birthday that took you. Today she is waiting, not for you, but for another. The very God that fashioned you has given her a second child, your brother or sister, your friend. I prayerfully watch over them.
She ate right, she worked out, she read books to you, and sang songs. Hadn't she followed the rules to the letter? She blames herself, she cries out to God with all that is left inside her. Hadn't she prayed over you? Waiting so patiently for your conception? And waiting again for your arrival... but not like this.
She'll never know why seven weeks after your creation, your existence simply stopped. She had heard your heart beat three days earlier. She had shared your first picture with the other mothers.
She was one of them when you were here. She belonged. You determined a new identity for her, one that cannot be reversed. After you slipped away she felt displaced. She is your mother and you are her child, in life and in the other. Your mother knew you, how could she not? You didn't exist to the rest of the world, but you did to her. She wept as she returned it all: the bottles, the diapers, the blanket. You carved an emptiness into her heart, that only you could fill.
It's been three years, but she'll never forget the early birthday that took you. Today she is waiting, not for you, but for another. The very God that fashioned you has given her a second child, your brother or sister, your friend. I prayerfully watch over them.
© 2011 Bailey Moore
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sure I'm Insured...
For the past month, Brandon and I have not been as careful as usual. According to him we aren't trying to have a baby, but we aren't not trying... of that I am certain. He suggested that we begin looking at the cost for maternity insurance. Right now I have student insurance through school, but it covers bare minimum, and does nothing for the pregnant student. Also, my insurance policy will expire when I graduate in less than two months. According to Blue Cross and Blue Shield, the process of having a baby (doctor appointments, ultrasounds, prenatal care, and delivery) costs an average of $20,000. With insurance, it costs an average of $6,000. So we can't afford not to have coverage in the event that we are blessed with a child. Unfortunately this peace of mind will cost around $300 a month. I don't see how we can spare that much every month. I worry that we'll get the insurance and then lose it by missing a payment. I worry that if we don't get insurance, I won't have access to the kind of care the baby and I need during the pregnancy. What if we get the insurance and spend all of this money to find out ten years down the road that I am barren and that we wasted our hard earned money and missed out on other opportunities because of my foolish insistence on maintaining a healthcare plan that I never needed?
God I have to place this all in your hands. I have no faith in myself or my own methods of planning, but I trust you with this most precious of events. God provide for my baby all things needed. Let your face shine on the arrival of this little one. God please protect my child from any harm that might be caused from the things I cannot afford. A verse just came to my mind.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5
I trust you Father, and you will make my paths straight. I know that you always keep your word and you never falter on a promise. I don't know when I will be pregnant, but I believe that it will happen soon, and that you will care for my family more than I ever could. God, I believe your word and know it to be true.
God I have to place this all in your hands. I have no faith in myself or my own methods of planning, but I trust you with this most precious of events. God provide for my baby all things needed. Let your face shine on the arrival of this little one. God please protect my child from any harm that might be caused from the things I cannot afford. A verse just came to my mind.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5
I trust you Father, and you will make my paths straight. I know that you always keep your word and you never falter on a promise. I don't know when I will be pregnant, but I believe that it will happen soon, and that you will care for my family more than I ever could. God, I believe your word and know it to be true.
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